


Holding Pattern

by Recourse



Series: Shades of Shame [3]
Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/F, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Misogyny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-17 01:20:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13648443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recourse/pseuds/Recourse
Summary: Kate and Victoria establish what they are, and what they're not.





	Holding Pattern

**Kate Abbot:**

_Hey._

**Victoria Chase:**

_So that’s what you’re starting with._

_Honestly, I’m surprised you contacted me so soon. I thought it’d at least be another month._

**Kate Abbot:**

_I don’t know what I’m doing._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_That’s obvious._

_Why did you message me, Kate?_

Kate stares at her screen. Her son sleeps behind her in his crib, her body alert and ready for him to start crying again. She’s grateful, almost, for the way Victoria tries to cut right to the point.

It’s only been a week, and here she is again. She can’t stay away. It’s so _pathetic._

She leaves the chat alone for another week.

 

* * *

 

**Kate Abbot:**

_I’m sorry about the way I left things._

_I always end up lashing out at you, and you don’t deserve it. I’m the one in the wrong._

_I guess I just don’t want you to disappear._

 

* * *

 

 

**Victoria Chase:**

_Jesus, you sent that at four in the morning._

_You seriously need to talk to someone._

**Kate Abbot:**

_Can’t I talk to you?_

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_I mean a therapist._

**Kate Abbot:**

_I can’t say this out loud._

_If I do, then it’s real._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_It’s real whether you want it to be or not._

_I can’t fix this for you. I could barely fix myself after years of shoving it down, and I didn’t do that by becoming straight all of a sudden._

_You know that. So why are you messaging me?_

Kate sits back in her chair, breath shallow. Victoria’s right. What does she want out of this? Sometimes she’s not sure she even knows who or what she is, like she’s just drifting aimlessly through life, following scripts other people taught her. Whenever she does something on her own, she’s never sure why.

**Kate Abbot:**

_I think I do need to talk about it. But I don’t know how to find a therapist, or what excuse I’d make. I’m not ready to tell Chris._

_I can’t tear this family apart._

_I don’t know what to do._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_I’m not gonna block you or anything._

_But I’m telling you I can’t help._

**Kate Abbot:**

_Maybe you can at least listen?_

_That’s all I want, really._

_Someone who’ll listen to me. Who understands._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_Maybe I can._

Kate leaves it there. For a while.

 

* * *

 

**Kate Abbot:**

_Can you talk right now?_ _  
_

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_It’s one in the morning, so of course I can, I’m up._

_Insomnia’s a bitch._

Kate smiles without meaning to. There’s something nice, about sharing that with someone else, someone who can actually let her thoughts out and be blunt and honest about them.

It’s how she felt on their first night. How she felt when she went to see her two months ago in a fit of inescapable panic. Victoria’s everything she’s not, everything she sometimes wishes she could be. That brings her back to why she was laying awake all night in the first place, why she snuck into the bathroom and started chatting with Victoria on her phone.

**Kate Abbot:**

_I know what you mean._

She takes a breath.

**Kate Abbot:**

_Do you think I’m really a lesbian?_ _  
_

**Victoria Chase:**

_You hate fucking men and made the first move on me twice._

_You got naked and crawled on top of me and begged me to take you._

_You feel guilty and terrible because you’re not into men and yet you’re married to one._

_You’re gay. What the hell else could it be?_

**Kate Abbot:**

_Sometimes I wonder if it all goes back to Blackwell._

**Victoria Chase:**

_Jesus._

**Kate Abbot:**

_I tried to kill myself. And you were at the center of all of that._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_Gee, thanks for the reminder, I’d forgotten my childhood trauma._

**Kate Abbot:** ****

_YOUR childhood trauma?_ _  
_

**Victoria Chase:**

_It wasn’t any easier for me, you know. I really hurt you. I could’ve been the reason you died. That’s a lot on an eighteen-year-old, even if I was a horrible idiot bitch._

Kate paces the small length of the bathroom, chewing on her lip. Sometimes she forgets Victoria’s a person. That she would have felt that, of course she would have.

**Kate Abbot:**

_I’m sorry. I forgave you a long time ago. I told you that._

_But what if that’s still part of me, somehow? What if when that happened I just broke?_ _  
_

_Am I just obsessed with you?_

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_I mean, you are obsessed with me._

_But that’s not why we fucked and it’s not why you’re gay._

_It’s not just me, is it?_

Kate worries at her lip. No. It’s not just her. She hadn’t thought about Victoria in years before they met again, but the interest, the fascination, was always there. Staring at women’s lips. Sneaking into Chris’ porn folders. Wanting something other than what she’s been told her whole life was the right way to be. Trying so, so hard to accept this life, this wonderful life that any other woman would dream of, and failing again and again until she found her escape.

**Kate Abbot:**

_No. It’s not._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_Then there’s your answer._

_Kate, there’s nothing wrong with who you are._

**Kate Abbot:** **  
**

_I’m not who I’m supposed to be._

_Everything’s wrong._

**Victoria Chase:**

_Nobody is ever who they’re supposed to be, I think._

_Sure as shit not me._

_Remember, my parents disowned me._

A chill of fear strikes Kate’s chest. She can’t keep talking to Victoria. She’ll end up like her, and she can’t do that, can’t lose her family, they’re all she has. She was never good at making friends, not really. And Victoria won’t wait for her. If she follows this path, she’ll be alone again, and the noose waits always at the back of her mind.

She locks her phone, flushes the toilet she didn’t use, and heads to bed, finding Chris upright against the wall. He looks at her with concerned blue eyes.

“Honey?” he asks, shifting as she heads back down to sit beside him. “Are you all right?”

 _No. I’m broken. You know I’m broken, everyone does, everyone watches over me like I’m a glass perched on the edge of a counter._ Kate could scream, could beg to be let out of this, would do anything to have that backbone.

Instead, she says, “I’m all right. Just a nightmare.”

His hand lights on her shoulder, and she shudders. It should help. It should feel good to have him touch her, soothe her. But Kate’s wires are a tangle of wrong connections, and it only makes her want to get further away.

He pulls away, and Kate doesn’t look behind her, because she knows she’ll see only hurt on his face.

She lies down beside him and faces the wall. She knows he stays up with her until the sun rises, but neither mention it.

 

* * *

 

**Kate Abbot:**

_Is it okay if I just talk to you about other things, for a while?_ _  
_

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_Don’t you have any friends to tell this stuff to?_

**Kate Abbot:**

_Not really._

_I’m not good at making friends._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_Well, shit, me neither._

_Listen, if you wanna talk, I can talk. But I’m always gonna be this blunt so get used to it. If you wanna keep leaving me on read you can do that too, I guess, I don’t care._

_But don’t expect me to fix your life for you._

**Kate Abbot:**

_I don’t want to put pressure on you._

**Victoria Chase:**

_Then don’t._

_You can just vent. About anything. I get that you need to say this stuff. Sometimes I do too._

_I care about you, Kate. God help me ,but it’s true. So I’m not gonna cut you off. But I won’t do things that I know are going to hurt you._

_Okay?_ _  
_

**Kate Abbot:**

_Okay._

 

* * *

 

Kate talks to Victoria all the time.

Silently, she spills out all the thoughts she’s never told anyone before. She digs into her memories, she finds things she now realizes were part of a lifelong trend, and it feels so, so good to let it all out. She can’t stop messaging her once she starts, sneaking it when Connor’s asleep, when Chris is away, when she slips off to the bathroom. She never leaves her laptop unlocked anymore.

She’s not ready for him, or anyone, to find out. It’s best just to have this to herself, this little private world she lives in. When she’s there, she can feel again.

Victoria’s funny, and blunt and angry and exactly what Kate needs to jolt her out of the fog she’s always in. When she talks about her work, models that act like divas and other artists who act like snobs, it leaves Kate smiling at the sheer amount of passion Victoria has. That spite and bile was once directed at her, but Kate gets the feeling that Victoria doesn’t spew it in others’ faces anymore. She saves it for her friends. Or...whatever Kate is to her.

Sometimes, Kate dreams of what she _might_ be to Victoria. She lies on her bed with her phone clutched to her chest and imagines a life shared with her. Imagines loving her, kissing her, making love to her, and she feels a pleasant chill in her stomach, a heat between her legs, and she squirms and _wants_ and wishes it could be real.

She never even tells Victoria about that. They dance around the subject, the idea that there could be a connection again.

It’s not an affair. Not really. That gives it both too much and too little significance for Kate, to think of it like that. It’s better to have it all suspended in zero-gravity, waiting for it all to come back down.

 

* * *

 

**Victoria Chase:**

_I think I have a date?_

_I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I guess you’re just the only person I talk to these days outside of work and, uh, girl I have a date with._

Kate stares at the message on the screen and tries to suppress the boiling nausea in her stomach. She said she wouldn’t wait for you. She meant it. What were you expecting? What were you hoping for?

She doesn’t know how to respond, so she doesn’t.

She lives in isolation instead.

 

* * *

 

If anything, Victoria’s on Kate’s mind _more_ since they stopped talking.

It’s hard not to think of her when she has moments of quiet, when Connor is happily occupied without her, when Chris is asleep beside her. But she doesn’t open the app. It’s been so long by the time she gets a new notification that she jumps at the familiar sound.

 **Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_hey i know you dont give a shit about me but nobody else does so fuck it_

_im in town. take it or leave it._

Kate’s breath catches in her throat. She quickly stuffs her phone into her pocket and looks back up at the cashier, smiling apologetically. She pays him, gathers her bags, and takes Connor’s hand as she heads out of the store.

When she gets into the car, she stops for a moment, staring at the screen. It’s Saturday. Chris is at a conference. She could. She _wants_ to. It’s been so long, so many months of pacing the cage she built for herself in silence. Yet whenever she’d looked at Victoria’s profile, seen her relationship status and her photos with a tall, black-haired woman, her guts had tied themselves into a knot. But here she is, here’s a chance to let it all out, or more.

Kate can guess what happened as she looks at Victoria’s profile again. The relationship status has gone back to single, all photos deleted. She shouldn’t feel this thrill, that Victoria might be desperate enough to let Kate touch her again, that Victoria might be low enough that they can find common ground again. She breathes, in, out.

“Mommy?” Connor asks from the back seat, bouncing impatiently in his chair. “Are we going?”

Kate commits.

She turns around and smiles at him and asks, “How would you like to go see Auntie Lynn today?”

“Okay,” Connor says with a shrug. He picked that up from Kate, she thinks. That’s her usual reaction to Chris’s questions. Watching her child take after her is unnerving. She wishes it wasn’t.

She calls Lynn as she starts the car, grateful that she moved in nearby a few months ago and had offered to babysit Connor whenever she needed a break. “Hey, Lynn,” she says, her voice shaking. “Are you free today?”

“Uh, yeah, Kate, what’s going on?” Lynn replies while Kate turns out of the lot.

“Apparently one of the other teachers got sick and now I need to chaperone a field trip for the gifted kids today,” Kate lies, so easily it almost shocks her. “Can you take Connor for the afternoon? Chris is away too, so…”

“Oh, yeah, of course! I’d love to see him!” Kate breathes a sigh of relief. “I’m guessing this is kind of an emergency. I’ll make sure I’m dressed when you get here.”

“Thank you, Lynn. You’re a blessing.”

“Anytime, sis.”

 

* * *

 

 

**Kate Abbot:**

_You can come over now. If you want to. It’s just me at home right now._

**Victoria Chase:**

_thank fuck. give me the address_

Kate does, then heads into her room and sits down on the edge of the bed. She wrings her hands in her lap, trying to control her breathing. She’s doing it again. She wants to. She’s bringing her _here,_ into their house, their marital bed. Not that it’s been used that way since Kate was pregnant. Chris hasn’t pushed. Why would he? It could hardly be something he actually _enjoys,_ at this point.

She doesn’t know how long she sits there, staring at the wall, before the doorbell rings and she shoots to her feet. When she opens the door, she sees Victoria in front of her for the first time in so long, and she looks _so_ good.

She’s wearing sunglasses and disheveled hair, a red leather jacket over a black top and _tight_ black jeans, red lips wrapped around an e-cigarette. She’s wearing her hair longer now, with a fringe in the front covering one eye. Something’s different about her, though. Her face seems sharper, more defined, almost hawklike. Her boot heels click as she shifts her position to turn to the Uber driver and wave him away, then back to Kate.

“So,” she says, her voice ragged.

Kate swallows. “Come in.”

Victoria nods, putting her sunglasses in her purse and walking past Kate into the living room. “Nice place,” she says, looking around. “Cozy. Kid’s toys are even put away. I’m surprised you have the energy.”  
Kate closes the door, then shrugs. “He’s not very messy.”

“So he’s not here? Or his dad?”

“No.”

“Good.” Victoria sets her purse on the floor and _flumps_ down onto the couch, drawing a flask from her inside pocket and waggling it back and forth to make it swish. Kate bites her lip. She hasn’t had any since she got pregnant. It’s as tempting as anything else about this situation.

There’s no pretense, here. No need to pretend. She takes the flask and gets a long, deep pull, and it burns so brilliantly.

“That bad, huh?” Victoria asks, raising an eyebrow. “Me fucking too.”

Kate coughs once, then swallows fully, and sits down beside her, breathing hard. “What happened?” she asks.

“Marla dumped my ass. Pretty hard, too. Big blowout. Bridges not so much burned as fucking nuked.” Victoria sighs. “Saw it coming. She cheated on me twice, you know. Karma, I guess.”

Kate reaches out, laying her hand over Victoria’s, and it sends a flush of warmth through her.

“It sucked. For a while, she was so touchy, then…” Victoria takes the flask back and has herself a swig. “Then she wasn’t, and I was never good enough.” She leans forward, cradling her forehead in her hands. “Fucking idiot. Take the first woman who shows you any interest what-so-fucking ever.” She looks over to Kate, then grimaces. “Kind of a pattern, huh?”

“Yeah,” Kate echoes, rubbing the back of Victoria’s palm. And now it’s Kate’s turn to ask. “Why are you here, Victoria?”

“Technically I’m here to sell photos. But...I wanted to tell someone who’d be on my side,” Victoria murmurs. “We’re in the same circles, and I’m new. I can’t start shit.” She slumps forward, kneading her forehead with her fingers. “And...and I don’t know. She barely touched me for the last six months and I…” She looks over at Kate, meeting her eyes and then looking away again.

Kate takes in a deep breath. She squeezes Victoria’s hand.

“I know I shouldn’t,” Victora mutters. “You’ve been ignoring me for almost a year. I didn’t do it last time because it would hurt you. It’s not like anything’s changed.”

Something _has_ changed, though. _She can be mine_ is the sentence that goes through Kate’s mind. It’s wrong, she knows it is, this can never be more than _this._

But right now, she feels having _this_ is better than having nothing at all.

“I missed you,” Kate says softly. “I think about you all the time.”

“So why’d you drop off the face of the earth, then?” Victoria challenges.

“...I wanted you all to myself.”

Victoria snorts. “That’s pretty rich.”

“I know it’s stupid, but…” Kate’s breath is shallow. She can feel her heart pumping at the prospect of doing it again, feeling what she felt three years ago, but this time she knows herself. She won’t lash out after. She’ll just be grateful, endlessly grateful, that Victoria will let her have this escape. “I just wanted you. If I couldn’t have you — it was all pointless.”

“And now?” Victoria asks.

“I still want you,” Kate admits. It feels good to say it aloud. “And it’s all pointless anyway.”

“Kate—”

“I’m not going to leave him. I can’t. I’m not that strong.” She looks over at Victoria. “But none of it is your fault. I just...I need this. To keep going. Don’t you?”

Instead of an answer, Victoria kisses her.

Kate had forgotten her body could respond like this. Instant fire, flaring to life in her limbs, nerves tingling as she takes Victoria’s shoulders in her hands and pulls her in. Victoria feels hard and bony pressed against her, yet warm, and real, and Kate’s alive.

The swipe of her tongue leaves a hot trail on Kate’s lips. Kate pulls Victoria closer, wanting her, _all_ of her, to take control of something, someone. She climbs into Victoria’s lap, knees on either side of her, pushing her into the couch cushions and nipping lightly at Victoria’s lower lip. Victoria lets out a soft sound, and Kate wants to hear more of that.

Her hands wander, going from Victoria’s shoulders down to her ribs, passing lightly over her breasts. Victoria hisses and draws back, biting down on her own lip, stretching out her neck. Kate understands what she wants, nibbling lightly on that taut skin, kneading her fingers into Victoria’s top.

“Kate—” Victoria gasps, but Kate’s moving her hands up again, and she chokes instead of getting out whatever else she had to say. There’s more padding than flesh, here. Some worry, some fear, bites at Kate’s mind. What’s happened to her since they stopped talking?

They should move. They _should._ But Kate likes this, being on top of her like this, and she wants to move fast and see what she can do to Victoria, if she can overwhelm and consume her the way she’s dreamed of. One hand travels between Victoria’s legs, rubbing her through her jeans.

Victoria lets out a tiny, high-pitched “Fuck,” and pushes herself against Kate’s hand, and it’s everything Kate wanted. The desperation, the _need_. Kate keeps her movement slow, forceful, deliberate, enough to make Victoria shake and push and want so much more, but not be able to reach that peak, not yet.

She pulls back when she feels she’s ready, and Victoria looks up at her, panting and yearning. “Don’t stop,” she begs, taking hold of Kate’s wrist, but Kate holds firm, pushing off of her and standing up, leaning down to kiss her cheek.

“Wait,” she whispers, taking one of Victoria’s hands and pulling her to her feet. Victoria follows dumbly, letting Kate lead her into the bedroom, kicking the door shut behind her. Kate pushes Victoria down onto the bed, peeling her jacket from her shoulders, and as she starts rolling up her top Kate sees that Victoria’s body really has changed.

Her ribs stick out so prominently, her breasts smaller than she remembers, arms thin and weak. She tries not to let it stop her. Victoria won’t react the way she wants if she hesitates, so she doesn’t. She undoes Victoria’s belt instead, kneels down in front of her once they’re almost off so Victoria can sit up, letting Kate take off her boots as well.

And now it’s just Victoria, underweight and pale and flushed, in her black lingerie, breath ragged as she hunches over Kate. Kate pulls her panties off, breathing in her scent, her whole body buzzing with the realization that she’s about to fulfill a fantasy. Victoria’s legs on either side of her head, hands on Victoria’s body, pulling Victoria’s hood back and putting her lips to Victoria’s clit. She tastes perfect, and sounds even better.

“Oh my God,” Victoria moans, rocking back and forth into Kate’s mouth, fingers tangled in her bun. “Fuck, _fuck,_ Kate, I—” Victoria lets out a sob of pleasure, and then, “I’m gonna—”

Kate doesn’t stop, doesn’t change what she’s doing, despite the strain it’s putting on her tongue. It takes a few more long seconds of Victoria’s stuttering before she’s clenching her thighs around Kate and crying out her orgasm, and Kate feels a warm rush of pride.

Victoria falls back on the bed, covering her face with her hands, and Kate’s not done at all. She kicks off her flats and crawls over Victoria, staring down at her eyes as she lowers her hands. Victoria’s mouth parts slightly as they make eye contact, and then she shifts up, getting to the pillows to support herself as Kate follows, heart pounding with desire.

She strips Victoria’s bra off and uses her mouth there instead, one hand slowly moving back between Victoria’s legs, teasing at her folds. Little guttural sounds escape Victoria as she starts to ramp back up, quick strokes up and down her lips, and then one finger deliberately pressing into and moving down until Kate slips inside. Kate curls that finger, feels Victoria’s whole body arc to meet it. It’s divine. Better than anything.

When Victoria’s come again, Kate can’t bring herself to give her a break, her body’s too caked in sweat, too wet to resist any longer. She can barely take the time to rid herself of her own underwear before hiking up her skirt and shoving herself onto Victoria’s face, gripping the headboard for support as Victoria eagerly laps at her. She squeezes her eyes closed, keeping her body taut to give Victoria as much room and time as she needs to undo Kate completely.

She’s drowning. Her body is overwhelmed with feeling, her brain overloaded with lust and want. She’s able to think something she hasn’t been able to feel is true in years.

She’s alive, she’s alive, she’s alive.

She almost doesn’t want to come, wants to stay suspended in the moment before, when her body’s crying out for it and teetering deliciously on the edge. But she doesn’t know how to tell Victoria that, and her reactions give her away, and Victoria’s good at this. So it breaks, and while Kate is blissfully ignorant of all the world for those brief seconds, she feels a sense of loss as her strength fades and she has to fall on top of Victoria, breathing hard.

Victoria wraps her in a soft, firm hug, and it feels so right, so good, all of it does, that Kate starts to quietly weep. Victoria says nothing about it, just letting her do it, and Kate is nothing but grateful.

When her eyes and her sweat have dried, she rolls off of Victoria, sighing in relief as she stares at the ceiling. She needed that. She really did. Victoria cuddles up to her, putting her face in Kate’s shoulder, and Kate wraps an arm around her, loving the feeling of her bare skin. But she can feel a lot of bone, too, and when she looks over at Victoria, she can tell something’s on her mind.

Victoria doesn’t say anything, for a time. Finally, she says, “I know I’m too thin.”

Kate blinks. “Did something happen?”

“S-same thing I did in high school. Marla made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I thought if I started…” Victoria swallows. “You always think you’re over it, but one thing happens that reminds you, and it comes back, and you can’t stop yourself.”

“I know what you mean,” Kate tells her, and she does. She squeezes Victoria tight. Victoria’s tears mark her skin, and in return for earlier, Kate keeps her silence, too.

“Thank you,” Victoria whispers after a time. “What do we do now?”

Kate wants nothing more than to continue this. To sleep, and wake up beside her, and perhaps do this again, and shower together, make her a meal, love her, be with her. To love herself enough to do that without guilt or anything in the way.

She checks the clock on the wall. They have a few more hours before Lynn’s supposed to drop Connor off. They can do some of that. Enough to sate the hunger.

“Sleep,” she tells Victoria, kissing her forehead.

She gets off the bed while Victoria curls up into herself, shedding her clothes, finding her phone and setting an alarm. It feels so good to be bare against Victoria when she crawls back under the covers with her. Comforting and safe, in an odd way. Being with Victoria physically keeps all the guilt from coming to the forefront of her mind, the niggling thoughts saying she’s defiled their marriage bed, broken the trust of the man she was supposed to love, they don’t overwhelm her. They’ll do that later, she knows.

But it’s better to have ups and downs than nothing at all.

 

* * *

 

When they awaken, Kate can barely stop herself from starting something again. She does kiss Victoria once, and then they dress and redo their hair in awkward, uncertain silence. Kate walks her to the door.

They linger there, unspoken words waiting in their throats, until Victoria asks first.

“Are we doing this again?”

“If you want to,” Kate answers, honestly. “I won’t...I won’t pressure you. And if you find someone else…” She gulps. “I won’t bother you. But I’ll be here.”

Victoria nods. “Okay. If that’s what we’re doing.”

“I think it is.”

“Kate…” Victoria takes a deep breath. “You know I do want better for you than that, though, right? Anyone who cares about you would.”

“I can’t,” Kate says, trying to keep the lump out of her throat. “Please. Let’s not talk about it.”

“Okay.” Victoria leans down and kisses her on the cheek. “I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah,” Kate breathes. Maybe that’s enough.

As Victoria opens the door to meet her Uber, Kate sees Lynn’s minivan pull up to the curb and freezes. But it’s too late to do anything now, and they’ll see each other.

But Kate’s getting good at lying, and pretending. So she’ll keep doing it. She’ll let the wounds fester.

She’ll never be clean again anyway.


End file.
